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KIDS
- JOKES
#9
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking,
when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play
doctor???"
The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I
want to play President."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"--
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring
me a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying
lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice,
"Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you..."
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what
he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on rescue
mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely.
He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!"
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the
children's sermon," and
all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned over and said toher, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom
says it's hell to iron."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A
horse," one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A pig," replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male
deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does
your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I
know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!
Fire truck
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing
a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says,
"Hey little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire
truck."
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is a nice fire
truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and
notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a
siren."
Morris asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was
wrong.
"Oh Dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got
the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age
seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me
with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't
really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to
eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a
devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?" |
