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JOKES
#8
A REAL BAD DAY...
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about
this guy ... Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister.
She sent it to Laughlin and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
Anyway ... anytime You think you ha\e had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
April 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities
of my job.
As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warn is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. If heats it to a delightful
temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air
hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to bum. I
pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This
is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my
back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My
ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry
chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit
and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to show it "up my
ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for
two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily haw been prevented if the suction hose was placed
on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you haw a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much
worse your day would be if you were to show a jellyfish up your ass.
I hope you haw no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more
tolerable.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Your brother TOM...
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The
man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where
is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back,
"What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the
man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and
finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man
can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and
asks her:
"What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Tarzan
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her
questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
* "What's that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said
* "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said,
* "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I'll show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
* "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
* "What the hell did you do that for?"
* "Checking for bees," said Tarzan.
ASPIRIN, a good thing
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed when his wife
complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect", the husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you.
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin
Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two
large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a
bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one
pound sterling, a diamond,or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered
bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy,
uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
"THE RULES"
SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME
A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES NOT
NEED
A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS
WIFE CAN SPEND.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND
UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND NOT
TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE
DOESN'T.
A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON'T CHANGE, BUT SHE DOES.
MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED MEN
ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE.
ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE'S NO USE
IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT.
ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW
ARGUMENT.
A guy went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar.
The next day, he awoke with a terrible hangover and went to pee and take some Alka-Seltzer
when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his
penis.
He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification.
When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad
news ... first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I'm afraid the brown
substance was chewing tobacco!
Health Plan:
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of
the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
* "Oh my God", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very
serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at
least 5 times a day, he'll become swollen.
* "Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical
problem existed." On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was
giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", said the queen,"what's happening in
there?"
* The Doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan"
Why men can't win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male
chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find
something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he
noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
* "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
* "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"
* "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It
would make me feel so much better."
* "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
* "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
* "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. |
