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JOKES
#7
Disappearing Wife
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he
stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife who
barraged him with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
* "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied.
* "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the
same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
* "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded
with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
* "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
* "Wedding cake.
Vicious Rumor
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor
that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a
terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a
couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
If You Love Something
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....
"You either married it or gave birth to it."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he
said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things.
Take little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and
glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said:
"Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they
feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
* Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
* She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
* He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer,
it's going to start any minute."
* The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore . . ."
* The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the
Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make
your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to
heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats,
dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller
skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by
are the best!
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make
love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it
again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve
myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man
"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times
and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks
on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in
there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined
the light on her."
TENDJEWBERRYMUD
This is meant to be read aloud (for the full effect). It's amazing, but you will
understand what"Tendjewberrymud" means by the end of the conversation. This has
been nominated for best e-mail of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel
in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS: "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...morny! Djewish to ordor sumteen?"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July dem?"
G: "What?"
RS: " Ow July dem?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baycem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "toast". Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: "We bother??"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad??"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy??"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem,
tossy singlish, mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye???"
G: "Whatever you say!!"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome!!" |
