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JOKES
#6
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve
* 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he
would not ask for directions.
* 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
* 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and
would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
* 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist,or
haircut appointment for himself.
* 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
* 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain
and discomfort of childbearing.
* 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
* 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding
in the garden.
* 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
* 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and
said, "I can do better than that!"
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they
left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having
sex.
*
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
* The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're
roping!"
* She replies, "Oh, I see!"
* After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks,
"What are them horses doing honey?"
* The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
* She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to
get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her
husband's penis.
* "Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
* "Well, darlin'," he says, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps,
* "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
* "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says,
*
"Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks:
*
"What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
* "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
Two married couples were playing cards. Dan accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed
that Bill's wife, Elyse, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Dan hit his head
on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Dan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Elyse followed him and asked,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Dan admitted that, well, yes
he did. Elyse said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100". After a minute
or two, Dan said that he was interested. Elyse informed him that since Bill works Friday
afternoons and Dan doesn't, Dan should come to her house around 2pm on Friday.
On Friday, Dan went to her house at 2pm. After paying her $100, they went
to the bedroom and had sex. Then Dan left.
Bill came home about 6pm. He asked Elyse, "Did Dan come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Then Bill asked, "Did Dan give you $100?" Elyse thought, 'Oh, no, he knows!'
Finally, she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill replied. "Dan came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me
back."
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass
to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was
transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word
Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a
former Word Perfect Customer Support employee :
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in is
from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
MONEY!
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you air to breath
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as
your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
so send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never
find. Bundles of 10's and 20's in easy-to-carry bags preferred 20's.
"Being Faithful"
Howard is a 95 year old man who lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening Annabel, 87 years of age, wanders into the garden and asks if she can join
Howard. "Of course," Howard replies. "Have a seat!"
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed engaged in pleasant
conversation. After a short lull, Howard turns to Annabel and says, "Do you know what
I miss most of all at age 95?".
* The lady replies "No, what would that be, Howard?".
* "Sex", Howard confesses somewhat sheepishly.
* "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
* "I know, but it would be nice if a woman would just hold it for a while",
replies Howard.
* "I can oblige", says Annabel, and gently removes his manhood from his
trousers, and proceeds simply to hold it. After a while, they agree to secretly meet every
Wednesday night in the garden for friendly conversation and the holding of Howard's
member.
Several weeks go by as agreed. After six or seven weeks, Annabel arrives at their spot,
but Howard is nowhere to be found. A bit concerned, she decides to walk around the rear of
the Senior Center to the men's dormitory to see if Howard is all right. About halfway to
her destination, she passes the pool area, and sees Howard sitting next to the spa with
another woman.
Annabel approaches the couple, and to her amazement sees that the woman is holding
Howard's manhood.
* "You old two-timing fossil!" she announces loudly. "I can't believe you
stood me up for another woman! What does this hussy have that I don't have?" Howard
smiles, looks up at her and replies,
* "Parkinson's." |
