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JOKES
#5
Little Old Woman
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: I was on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young
man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down next to me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you ?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away
some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next
Little Old Woman! : Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and
said to him, "take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no! That's when he yelled "April Fool!"
"And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"
The Millennium Bug Tune
Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation,
We awaited The Bug, the Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds,
others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC and I with my Mac
had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack,
When over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash,
off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes should I see?
My good old Mac looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K Bug!!!
His image downloaded in no time at all,
he whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!!"
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, and Pentium, too!
All processors big, all processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!!
All the controls that planes need for their flights,
all microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
out through the modem, he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
was a sackful of virus, set for attack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
As midnight approached, though, things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
and his sack filled with virus quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning,
and I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink,
all things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line,
he caused such a disruption, could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PC's goodbye!!!
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it
is selling advertising space.
"In the error messages that appear in Windows."
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system
encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take
financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We
estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting
a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate
significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said
Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intending
to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department
immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an
unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its
semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
Scared Straight
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,
rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder
and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the
freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your
forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the
bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him,
when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the fuck did the Chicken do?"
How we first met
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided
to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the
town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at
this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple
spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first
time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the
fence.
* Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
* The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking
how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run
into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress.
The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality
of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a
wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves off, and got dressed. As they walked back
towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said,
* "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a
wild couple when you were young."
* "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't
electric."
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th
birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been
such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the
tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90............ |
