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JOKES
#4
The Baloney Song...........
Oscar "Clinton" Mayer
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I - did - not - inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
"I - wasn't - getting- tail."
He loves to sling it every day.....,
The White House people all just say.....,
"That Billy Clinton has - a - way
Of making bullshit sound OK!
The New Secretary.
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day
while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said,
"Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but
later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have
some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was
open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little
disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Theres a £50 pound note laid in the street
along walks father christmas
the perfect woman
& the perfect man
who picks the £50 up first?
The perfect man
Because the other two do not exist
There was a tax man going round the doors.
He came to one and knocked a boy answered, The tax man asked if he could talk to his mum
and he said no she's busy.
Then he asked if he could talk to his dad and he said no he's busy.
Then he asked if he had a big brother and he said yes but he's busy.
The tax man asked if there was anybody else there, And the boy said that there were
policemen there, but there busy too.
* "Who can I talk to!!"
* Shouted the tax man.
* "Shh" "there busy looking for me."
Fairy Tale
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old
woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.
Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be
turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so
many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old
lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked,
* "Now aren't
you sorry you had me neutered?"
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going
down the line giving them all tickets.
A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why
are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"
The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of
them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."
A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady,
aren't you a little old for this?"
She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna
keep sucking 'em."
THE SECRET OF VIRILITY
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your
secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not
kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk
remarked.
Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
MARRIAGE IS THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF DIVORCE
Statically 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS.
2. I haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.
3. Marriage is a 3-Ring Circus. Engagement Ring, Marriage Ring, and Suffering.
4. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
5. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then
God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man has rested.
6. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.
7. YOUNG SON: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her? DAD: That happens in every country, Son.
8. A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
9. A little boy asked his Father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
10. A beggar walked up to a well dress woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I
haven't eaten anything in four days". She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your will power".
11. How do most men describe marriage? An expensive way to get you laundry done for free. |
