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JOKES
#3
Two Guys...
Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when
one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.
"If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks
terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge
man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie.
I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
Top 5 reasons not to be a
'Dick'....
5. You are bald your entire life
4. You live between two nuts
3. An asshole lives behind you
2. You have a hole in your head
1. When you get excited you throw up and then you faint
Heavenly Hookers
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
* "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains
to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving
around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
EVERY GOOD MEN NEED A GOOD WOMEN
After the annual office party blow out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton
mouth, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to
the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him with two aspirin.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and
insulted the regional director to his face"
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him." "You did," Louise
informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled John.
"I did. You're back to work on Monday," she quaintly replied.
* Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided
that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing. anything that would identify
them as clergy, As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
really Outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals sunglasses, and etc. The next morning, they went
to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous"
blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them.
* They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good
morning father." "Good morning father." ridding and addressing each of them
individually then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize
them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous
outfits--these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them--and again
settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
* After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came
walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were
about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them
individually: "Good morning Father." "Good morning Father," and
started to walk away.
* One of'. The priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we
Are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm sister Angela!"
Small Breasts
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of
the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
...He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again...
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS
* 1. Don't imagine you can change a man -
unless he's in diaper
* 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
You shut the door.
* 3. If they put a man on the moon -
they should be able to put them all up there.
* 4. Never let your man's mind wander -
it's too little to be out alone.
* 5. Go for younger men. You might as well -
they never mature anyway.
* 6. Men are all the same - they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.
* 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed
the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
* 8. Women don't make fools of men -
most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
* 9. Best way to get a man to do something,
is to suggest they are too old for it.
* 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* 11. If you want a committed man,
look in a mental hospital.
* 12. The children of Israel wandered around the
desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
* 13. If he asks what sort of books you're
interested in, tell him checkbooks.
* 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that
you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
* 15. Sadly, all men are created equal |
