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JOKES
#2
A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he
looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to
himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."
* He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked
the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the
wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he
propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!
Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a
house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and
propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down!
Finally the drunk's wife came to the door.
* "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you."
* She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his
wheelchair?"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher
said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like
that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't
warned Miss."
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when
a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of
tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her
pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading;
"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said:
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Two Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the
Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After
conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock
at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man",
replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open
the door. "Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these
blinds?".
3 NUNS.
There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the nuns
before they can receive their saint names, they had one final test. They must go out
and commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad...
After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says,
* "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes.
The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the
first one," What sin did you commit child?"
The first one answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked
flowers from someone's garden."
* The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright."
The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.
The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body shaking and she is crying.
* "I stile some candy from a baby."
* The mother superior says, "My child drink the hold water and you are
forgiven."
* The 3rd nun falls onto the floor hysterically laughing. the mother superior is
disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
* The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the
Holy water."
NUN
A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After
the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says,
* "bed hard."
Ten years later, she says,
* "food bad."
After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says,
* "I quit."
* "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior.
* "You've been complaining ever since you got here."
MEN ARE LIKE.....
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
en are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long he will last.
The Medicine Man
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so
advanced, we
can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another,and have him looking for
work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
we could take a half a heart from one person, put it in another and
have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah! We are about
to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and
half of the country will be looking for work the next day."
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One
day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the
driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
* "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!".
Ralph looked out the window and said,
* "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
* Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.
* One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".
* Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air
blow over your skin while you are running.".
* Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your
arm?".
* Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the
run and get in my car to go home.".
* Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
* Ralph answered, "Only when it rains..." |
