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JOKES
#21
Divorce!
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70
mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and
faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is
there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
airbag!"
Five types of sex
1. The first is Smurf Sex.
This
happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2. The second is Kitchen Sex.
This
is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
kitchen.
3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've
calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This
is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F--k you!"
5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
* "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
* "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no
shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma' idea."
The lottery
A guy wins the lottery and runs home.
Upon entering the door he yells to his girlfriend,
"Pack your bags *NOW* baby, I just won the lottery!!!"
She responds, "Great, should I pack for the beach or mountains?"
He tells her, "I don't give a shit, just get the hell out!!!"
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the
students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're
having an orgasm?"
"Sure," she said, "he's at home, taking care of the kids."
Speeding Tickets:
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he
discovered the problem * a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a
hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young
accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
(And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40
speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car
window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a
ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't
have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too
hard to start her car for several minutes.
Harry and his wife, Betty, are experiencing financial hard times, so Betty
decides to become a prostitute. The two agree that a hundred bucks is a fair price. They
drive to a seedy part of town, where she stands out on a corner.
He pulls into an alley nearby in case she needs help.
Within five minutes, a guy pulls up and propositions her.
"A hundred bucks," she says.
"I've only got thirty," the guy replies.
"Hold on," she says, and she runs over to Harry, who suggests giving the
guy
a hand job. So she runs back to the john's car and offers him a hand job for 30
bucks. He agrees, and as she gets in the car, he unzips his pants and takes out a
gigantic penis. Betty stares at it in awe, then gets out of the car and runs around the
corner to Harry.
"Hey," she
says, "can you loan this guy 70 bucks?"
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM
A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's
restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny,
taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she
said, "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The
relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters:
"WW", "WA", and "PP",and there was one red button labeled
"ATR". Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and
resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The Men's restroom
didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the
"WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about gently
drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and
without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his
bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies
room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was
going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at
him with a smirk on her face...
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies
restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to
a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."
Men are like.....placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.
Men are like.....copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....high heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....miniskirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Female comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If i could see you naked, i'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
LOVE THY HUSBAND
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said:
* "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible
stress. If you don't do the following,your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your
problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of
backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regainhis
health. On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
* "What did the doctor say?"
* "You're going to die," she replied. |
