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JOKES
#1
Good, Bad & Ugly
Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids
Bad: She can't find her birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your brother understands fashion
Bad: He is a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than your wife
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He is involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife is not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She is a lawyer
Good: The postman is early
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It is another man
Ugly: He is your best friend
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It is triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Condoms: other uses
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
He certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea
and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl
of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist
no longer.
* "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).
* "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it
wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
95-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of
his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said,
* "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally
and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship
with your God?"
* George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he's fixed
it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the
light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm
done."
* "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith calle George's wife.
* "Thelma," He said, "George is just fine.
Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in
the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
* Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
HUSBANDS
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL
GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,"HONEY, COULD YOU
FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR
WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT?
NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO
PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT
WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON
MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX
THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DARN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO
FIX THE STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M
GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS.
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED
HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS
HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE
ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES
THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A
BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
'HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE
AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO
ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE
BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR
* Never be afraid to try something new. Remember,amateurs
built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
* Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
* Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
* Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
* Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
* An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that
this is true.
* There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
* People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin
said it first.
* It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
* I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
* Anything free is usually worth about what you pay for it.
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
* If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
* I don't get even, I get odder.
* In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
* I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
* Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
* I am a nutritional overachiever.
* My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
* I am having an out of money experience.
* I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
* I am in shape. Round is a shape.
* Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
* Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
* I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
* If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
* I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
* Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, But eventually you find
a hair stylist you like.
* You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once
got from a roller coaster.
* One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five
pounds.
* It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but
also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
* Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
* Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
* Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. |
