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JOKES
#15
Getting old
Old" is when...
* ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
* ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
* ...the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis.
* ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your
car.
* ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
* ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
* ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
* ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
* ..."getting a little action" means "I don't need to take any fiber
today".
* ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
* ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
New Chief Samurai
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
* "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released one fly. He drew his
samurai sword and Swoosh! The fly fell to the floor neatly divided in two pieces!
* "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you
can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened tiny box, releasing one
fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swoosh! Swoosh!
The fly fell to the floor neatly divided into four pieces!
* "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"
* "Number Three Samurai "stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly,
drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh!, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of
wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even
dead."
* "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. I circumcised
him!"
The Priest
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for
him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on
over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says,
* "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
* The priest asks, "What did you do?"
* The woman says, "I committed adultery."
* Priest, "How many times?"
* Woman, "Three times."
* Priest, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
* Priest, "What did you do?"
* Man, "I committed adultery."
* Priest: "How many times?"
* Man, "Three times."
* Priest, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have
sinned."
* Rabbi, "What did you do?"
* Woman, "I committed adultery."
* Rabbi, "How many times?"
* Woman, "Once."
* Rabbi, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
The preacher
The southern preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from
the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member
of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets.
Henry Ford
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him,
"Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the
automobile...changed the world."
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford
then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks,
* "What do you mean?"
* "Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few."
* "Hmmm...," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time
the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but
according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.
* Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
* Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand'
correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.
* Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
* Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give
you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.
* Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
* Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give you a
cookie
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the
bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later,
and he has
recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.
* "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
* The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my
car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I
can't."
* "Where's your car?" the landlord asks.
* "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
* "Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go
out and take your place."
* "Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't
realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight
on the naked couple.
* "What's going on here?" he asks.
* "It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
* "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
* "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
The Amish elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide
back together again. The boy asked:
* "What is that, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
* "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't Know what it
is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a shriveled old lady walked up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady hobbled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous very young
24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son:
*
"Go get your mother"
Scottish Pride
A Scott on a visit to the States was taken to a baseball game. It was the first time he
had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly as the first batter approached the mound, took a
few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times,
with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game. The
next batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called a "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scot, seeing the man's slow advance towards first base, stood up and screamed,
"R-R-Run ye basstarrd, r-r-run!" Everyone around him started laughing. The
extremely embarrassed and puzzled Scott sat down.
His friend leaned over and explained, "He can't run - he's got four balls."
The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!" |
