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JOKES
#13
Last Confession
Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held
his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He
looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
* "My darling Kristi," he whispered.
* "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice.
* "I...I Have something I must confess to you."
* "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi.
* "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
* "No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
* "I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York
City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of
expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly "Romance" by
Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly
turns to the old woman saying, = "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and about to get off
the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends
over and farts and says, "Broccoli - .49 cents a pound
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men
she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead.
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a
sleepy grumpy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a
moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
* "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call
because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not
my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened.
The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
* Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.
* "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I
don't have a daughter named Susan."
* "Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this
mad."
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the
most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts
it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the
bottle back over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in
the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches!
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and
gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell
flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
* "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Black Panties
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her
depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her
and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately
replies,
* "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a
weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair
of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there
I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and
he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She
looks at him and asks, "What's with this..a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was George's last day on the job as a postman after 35 years of delivering the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route George was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope with a hundred dollar bill.
At the second house the owners presented him with a box of fine Cuban cigars.
The folks at the third house, knowing he was an avid fisherman, handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, beckoning him in, closing the door behind
them, leading him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she then fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he
was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
* "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
* "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' -- The breakfast was my idea."
Clinton Memorial Stamp
Late in his last term, Clinton thought so much of himself that he ordered the
government printing office to issue a stamp bearing his likeness.
After a period of time, the postal carriers began to complain that the stamps were falling
off the envelopes. Every day their bags would be full of stamps.
Clinton paid a visit to the printers. He demanded to know why the highest grade of glue
had not been used on his commemorative stamp.
Oh, but it was, the printer assured him. We have looked into this unfortunate situation,
and the problem, sir, is that the people are spitting on the wrong side. |
