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JOKES
#12
My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow
WHAT DID YOU THINK????
"I think you're bad luck."
* A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife
sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
* The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I
told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite."
Hit The Floor" A True Story...
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucket full of quarters
at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the
hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she
noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.
One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
thought was: These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But
racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two
men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew
they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious.
Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will She
picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on The
elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they
closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about
to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then ...one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw
out her arms andcollapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say
politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I
meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit
the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.
It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to
speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you pologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She
didn't know.
The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator
arrived at her floor, they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little
unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her
door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked
back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose
was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've
had in years."
It was signed,
Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
Midgets and Crime!
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable
until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to
admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are
the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I
know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if
you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no
real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly,
"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in
a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
This is better than aspirin...
* A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
* After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist
by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are, and he replies, "I
get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..."
* He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left
ear?"
* "Yes, Exactly! How did you know?"
* "Well, I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself
suffered from that same type of headache for many years.
It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it:
* Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she had an orgasm, she would squeeze her
legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.
Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
* Two weeks go by and the man is back. "Well, how do you feel?"
* "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this
treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
An Old Man's Confession
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last
night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
* The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
This old gentleman's dear old dog passed away.
He was so attached to that dog that he went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say
kadish for the dog.
The Rabbi said, "No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals.
However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here. You go there and
ask if they will bless your dog. The man thanked the Rabbi and said, "Do you suppose
they would also accept my donation of $75,000?"
The Rabbi said, "Hold it -- come back. You didn't tell me the dog was Jewish."
Love Poem
Tyrone asked his buddy Robert one morning, "Man why you always so damn
happy when you come to work everyday?"
Robert replied, " That's because I make love to my woman every morning
before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets her to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said "I just tell her this little love poem that I
made up SHE LOVES IT!" It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue.
I love waking up and making love to you!
Tyrone was like "Man you white guys is so dang sentimental and shit..."
But, he decided, it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day
thinking up a poem for his woman. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to
hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lips, the works.
Robert asked, " Man what the hell happened to you??"
Tyrone replied "Man I don't know. I went home and tried your advice, that's all.
I just told her a poem."
"Well, what poem did you tell her," asked Robert.
Tyrone told him "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes just like a frog... If I could roll
your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog" |
