|
KIDS
- JOKES
#10
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Why Parents go Grey
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small
voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there
watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me!".
Trick or treating
A little boy and girl go trick or treating.
They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says,
*
"Well, you two are awful cute.
Who are you supposed to be?"
* "We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.
* "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
* "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
* "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because
you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave.
Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door
there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
* "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks?
* "We're M & M's, " said the little girl.
* "I'm plain. He got nuts."
Little Boy & the Pope
There's this very religious young boy who is going to the Vatican with his mum to see the
Pope. The boy is a bit worried about whether or not they will see the Pope amongst the
thousands of people. So his mum says "Don't worry son, the Pope is a big football fan
so I'll buy you a Middlesbrough strip, the Pope will see the famous Middlesbrough colours
and he'll talk to you. So they buy the strip and the boy has it on while they are standing
in the crowd as the Pope goes along in his Popemobile. Next thing John Paul stops the
Popemobile and gets out to talk to a different little boy wearing a Manchester Utd top.
Then he gets back into the mobile and it drives right past the Middlesbrough fan. The
little boy is very upset and is in tears. Don't worry says his mum I'll buy you a
Manchester Utd strip, we'll come back tomorrow and then the Pope is guaranteed to stop and
talk to you. So they are back the next day now wearing the Manchester Utd shirt. The
Popemobile comes along and the boy is all excited. Next thing the Popemobile stops, then
John Paul gets out, bends down to talk to the little boy and says "I thought I told
you to fuck off yesterday."
A twelve year old boy walks into a whore house holding a hundred dollar bill and a dead
frog. He walks over to an employee and says, "Give me your best whore, I hear Mable
is good, give me her." He goes in and does his deed, when he walks out the whore
master says to him, "Why did you take Mable, she has the most diseases, and why are
you carrying that dead frog?" The boy stands there and says, "Well you see, my
parents are going out tonight and I will have a baby sitter, when she's there I'll get
some from her. And when my parents get there my dad will bring her home, and on the way
he's gonna screw her. Then later when my dad gets home he'll do it with my Mom. And
finally when my dad leaves for work in the morning my Mom will do it with the milk man,
AND THAT'S THE SON OF A BITCH THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!!
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
*
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
* "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
* "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
* "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks,
* "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
* "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the
two friends begin to play.
* "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
* "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
* "I know how old you are, you are 32."
* The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
* "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
* "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
* "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."
* "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
* "Because you got an F in sex."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkee."
She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs too"
A man walks into a drugstore with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by
the condom display, and the boy asks :
"What are these, Dad ?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies :
"Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school". He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks :
"Why are there 3 in this package ?". The dad replies :
"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for
Sunday"
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks : "Then who are these
for ?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday"
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE ?" he asks, picking up
a 12
pack. With a sigh, the dad replied :
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March
..." |
